If forgiveness has been used as a tool to keep you quiet, in contact, or in danger, that was a misuse of Christian teaching.
What forgiveness is not
It is not saying what happened was acceptable. It is not resuming a relationship. It is not dropping charges, staying in a home, or granting access to your children.
It is not a deadline. Forgiveness that is forced or performed on demand is not forgiveness at all.
What the Church actually teaches
Forgiveness is understood as a grace that unfolds over time, often long, and it does not require reconciliation. Justice, accountability, and protection remain moral goods.
You may pursue legal action, restraining orders, and permanent separation while remaining fully in good standing with your faith.
What Scripture says
- Matthew 18:21-22
- Romans 12:18
Scripture, in context
Romans 12:18
If it be possible, as much as is in you, have peace with all men.
Translation: Douay-Rheims (public domain)
Common misconceptions
- “Real forgiveness means you feel warmly toward the person again.”
- Forgiveness is a decision not to be ruled by the desire for revenge; it does not require any particular feeling, and feelings of anger can coexist with it for a long time.
- “You have to forgive before you can heal.”
- For many survivors forgiveness, if it comes at all, comes late in healing rather than at the start. There is no required order and no deadline.
Questions people are often afraid to ask
A prayer for the distance between where I am and where forgiveness might be
God, I don't know if I can forgive, and I'm tired of being told to.
If this is a road, let me walk it at my own pace.
Protect me either way. Amen.
Read the original sources
- Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2843-2845
- USCCB, 'When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women'