Confession

Catholic teaching describes the penitent's part in three movements. Contrition is real sorrow for the sin, and it need not feel dramatic to be real. A purpose of amendment is the intention not to go back to it, which is an intention rather than a guarantee about the future. Confession is the naming of the sin to the priest.

Where grave sin is involved, the tradition asks that known grave sins be confessed in kind and, as far as a person can reasonably remember, in number: what the act was, and roughly how often. This is for clarity, not for interrogation. What you have genuinely forgotten is forgiven with the rest.

The priest then gives absolution, the words in which the Church declares the forgiveness of God, and a penance: usually a prayer or a concrete act of repair. The penance is not a payment. It is a small step back toward the person you want to be.

You can sit face to face or behind a screen. You begin with the sign of the cross, say roughly how long it has been, and say what you want to confess. You do not need formulas; 'I don't remember how to do this' is a perfectly good opening, and the priest will help.

The priest may ask a gentle question, offer a short word of encouragement, and give a penance. He then says the words of absolution.

A priest may never reveal what is said in confession, to anyone, for any reason. This is absolute in Church law.

It is worth knowing what the seal is not: it does not mean you may not tell anyone else, it does not stop you reporting a crime, and it does not prevent you from speaking to police, a therapist, or a safeguarding officer about what was done to you. Confession is for your own sins, never for what someone did to you.

Because grave sins are confessed in kind and number, a confessor may ask limited clarifying questions when he genuinely needs them: to understand what happened, to know whether something was grave, or to give a fitting penance. Church law expects him to ask with prudence and discretion, mindful of the penitent's condition, and to ask nothing he does not need.

He must never be prurient. He may not press for graphic or unnecessary sexual detail, dwell on it, repeat questions for his own interest, humiliate you, coerce you, or make disclosure a condition of mercy. If a question feels intrusive rather than necessary, you may say that you would rather not go into detail, and the sacrament is not thereby invalid.

You are also free to end the conversation, to leave, and to go to another priest. If a confessor has behaved in any of these ways, you can report it to the diocesan safeguarding office, and there are also Church procedures that treat the abuse of confession as a grave offence.

He may not refuse absolution as leverage, demand you stay in a dangerous situation, tell you that reporting abuse is disloyal, or use anything you say against you later.

If any of that has happened, you can report it to the diocesan safeguarding office, and you can go to a different priest. You are not obliged to return to the same one.